The last few days have been awful. Period. It feels like I’ve fallen into a black hole of negativity and everything around me seems content to reciprocate the nastiness inside.
Bank cards getting declined, forgetting my lunch, strains in my relationship, waiting in line only for the cashier to tell me that they’re closed once they get to me. I mean, what the fuck man.
I made a couple of moderate mistakes at work too, and leaving my shift today with a rotten egg in my stomach I had the thought of “How can we reframe this? What’s the learning to be found in this experience?”
All I could think back was “Can you seriously fuck off right now? Do I have to be effective every single time I’m struggling? Can’t I just have a bad day?”
And the short answer is yes. Yes I can. Amazingly, making that clear actually took a lot of pressure off because in reality, I didn’t need to overthink it, label it, explore it. I just needed to feel it. I just needed to allow myself the space to not feel ok, and to not poke at it with a stick telling it to move along now.
Let me set up camp and stew in my own misery for a bit. I won’t stay that way, I don’t want to. That’s not the overarching theme of my life, to paint the skies black and cry into my pillow. No, I’m out here doing what it is that I’m meant to do and kicking ass while doing it.
But today? Today I’m struggling. Things aren’t going well and I’m permitting myself to feel that. The only thing I am not allowed to do is make it worse.
When I was trying on clothes I felt the depression burning it’s way into my throat and my mind started spinning a thread of toxic rumination.
I sent a little message to myself, a love note scrawled on butterfly wings that simply said, please, think of nothing right now.
Just think of nothing.
And I did.
The request to stay in a state of “fuck everything entirely” gave me an opportunity to work with my inner child, or more specifically, my inner teenager. When I started in on my sermon of gratitude and learning I could nearly hear the groan emanating from inside. Oh goddddd mommmmmmmmmmm, do you always have to try and fix everything and make it better? Can’t I just be pissed at the world?
Am I not good enough when I’m upset? Are there only certain states of being that are acceptable to you?
Message received loud and clear and it held enough weight to have me hop off my soapbox and hand over the microphone, for awhile anyways.
My inner teenager told me things I hadn’t been aware of, like how upsetting it was when I had to count out narcotics at work today for my job as a pharmacy assistant, and a certain medication reminded me of a family members addiction and overdose from one of them. My inner teenager told me how all they want is a relationship that feels safe and won’t end badly and how worried they were at the thought of losing someone they really cared about. My inner teenager told me how angry they were at themselves for making mistakes at work, and how it made them feel ashamed.
I learnt a lot the moment I stopped preaching at myself, stopped unintentionally scolding myself for not behaving desirably.
It made it easy then to compromise with this part of myself that was hurting so much. It made it easier to say, I am sorry for making you feel like you weren’t accepted by telling you how you should be thinking and feeling. I am sorry that my actions caused you to feel as if you weren’t enough. Let’s get through this difficult time together.
And quite frankly, that was all I really needed in order to feel a tiny bit better during an otherwise shitty day.